Are You Ready for Marriage? 10 Rules for a Healthy Relationship

You don’t necessarily have to know how much they have in the bank but rather their view on money in general. “If I like fine dining and the person I want to marry thinks it’s frivolous, this is something that needs to be talked about. How will that mindset transfer to buying a house or going on a vacation?” says Debbie.

Make sure you’re on the same page with (or without) kids in the picture before walking down the aisle. “When I asked a couple of women, ‘Did he tell you beforehand he didn’t want children?’ they answered, ‘Yes, but I thought I could change his mind.’” Um, bad idea.

On “Sex and the City,” Charlotte converted for Harry, while “The OC” explored the Cohen family’s Christmukkah celebration. So if you’re practicing different religions, how will you handle this once you’re wed? Debbie notes: “There are people who can blend religion extremely well, but it can break up relationships, too. You need to know where your spouse stands.”

“I don’t think everybody has to do everything together. But you need to ensure you’re generally compatible,” she says. So even if you think your partner’s obsession with Fantasy Football is annoying, try to understand that it’s important to him or her, just like reality tv or DIY projects are to you. “Something like that can fester over time. So you either come to terms with it and and you compromise, or you don’t,” she says. (And as an avid Bravo fan, I’m willing to accept NFL Sundays so that I can enjoy some uninterrupted Vanderpump time come Monday.)

Close family dynamics can be awesome, but they can also be challenging when building one of your own. Figure out how you and your partner will juggle your families and how you’ll be there for each other. Debbie draws attention to an important point: “Is your better half going to support you? Or are your in-laws going to become your outlaws [if your S.O. takes their side]? And how will you deal with this? This can put a strain on a marriage.”

Everyone has a hot button and it’s important for you to know what they are, and not to use it to hurt, control, or manipulate them. Instead, Debbie says to take a step back: “People don’t take the time to say, ‘I’ve kind of noticed that when I interrupt my partner when he or she is watching football that he or she snaps at me.’ Don’t take it personally; step back and think maybe this is his or her time. Talk about it, and know that that’s a trigger point for him.”

This seems like a no brainer, but if you don’t view the general guts of life the same way—like how to treat people or what’s considered “wrong”—it’s going to be difficult to build one together. “I give money to homeless people when I see them, and when I started dating a new guy, he saw me do this and he went off! I thought, ‘Whoa, I need to explore this. Is he going to reprimand me every time I give someone a dollar? I can’t live like this,’” says Debbie.

To that end, make sure your future spouse supports your interests and dreams in an authentic way. Debbie observes: “I see a lot of women who say, ‘I feel like he or she is squashing my spirit.’” And let’s be honest, you wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t believe in your ability to crush it at work or with your new blogging endeavor.

I’m not talking about sexy time here. Have you ever read The 5 Love Languages? Debbie considers it required reading. “I see a lot of communication problems because one person doesn’t understand the other person’s love language,” she says. If you like to show your partner love by hugging and kissing but your bae grew up in a very reserved household, he or she may not be receptive to your moves. It’s important to figure out how to effectively show affection early on so you can communicate your love in the best way possible.

Do people change? Debbie says yes, but it does stop at a certain point. “When you’re in you’re 20s, you can kind of grow together, but the older you get, people are pretty much who they are. You can’t put your head in the sand and say, ‘I’m sure my S.O. will change because he or she loves me.’ You have to accept reality for what it is.” Don’t kid yourself that you can mold someone into your idea of perfection. Love the one you’ve got just the way you are, and you’ll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of success.

Photo by Annette Sousa on Unsplash

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